Seeing Their Pain: How Compassion Can Free Us from Anger

We all know that anger is bad for us. Research consistently shows that chronic anger and resentment take a heavy toll on both our physical and mental health — raising blood pressure, weakening the immune system, and clouding our judgment. And yet, knowing this doesn't make it any easier. Someone cuts us off in traffic, a colleague sends a passive-aggressive email, a friend says something hurtful — and before we know it, we've lost our patience entirely.

The question isn't whether we should get angry. The question is: how do we actually stop?

In the classical Buddhist text Mahāprajñāpāramitāśāstra (大智度論), twenty-five distinct methods are offered for cultivating the spirit of kṣānti — patience and forbearance. Today, I'd like to explore one of the most powerful of these: "Remembering that others are deeply afflicted, we should respond with compassion."

Life Is Already Hard EnoughUnderstanding Dukkha

In Pali — the ancient language of early Buddhist scripture — there is a word that sits at the very heart of the Buddha's teaching: dukkha. Often translated as "suffering," it encompasses far more than physical pain. It includes the stress and anxiety of daily life, the ache of unfulfilled desires, the grief of loss, and the deep unease that comes from knowing nothing in this world is permanent.

Every single person you encounter carries some form of dukkha. The colleague who snapped at you in the meeting may be drowning in personal worries at home. The stranger who was rude to you may be struggling with illness, grief, or exhaustion. None of us move through the world without our own invisible burdens.

The Shadow That Never Leaves

There is one form of suffering that unites every living being without exception: the inevitability of aging and death.

From the moment we are born, our bodies begin their gradual journey toward decline. We may not think about it consciously, but death walks beside each of us like a shadow — present at every stage of life, drawing ever closer. This is not a morbid thought meant to depress us. Rather, it is an invitation to recognize our shared vulnerability. The person who has wronged you, just like you, is navigating the uncertainty of a human life that will not last forever.

Empathy as Antidote

This is precisely why Buddhist teaching encourages us to pause — before reacting in anger — and ask ourselves: What might this person be going through?

At the core of Buddhist practice is karuṇā — compassion, the sincere wish that all beings be free from suffering. When we genuinely understand that the person who has upset us is themselves caught in the web of dukkha, something begins to shift. The anger doesn't disappear instantly, but it loses some of its grip. It becomes harder to want to add to someone's burden when we can see how heavy that burden already is.

This isn't about making excuses for harmful behavior. It's about seeing clearly — and seeing clearly is the beginning of freedom.

The Hidden Cost of Anger

Here's something worth sitting with: when you are consumed by anger at someone, who is actually suffering in that moment?

Often, the other person has no idea. They may have moved on with their day entirely unaware of the resentment building inside you. Meanwhile, you are the one losing sleep, replaying the incident, and carrying the weight of that negative emotion. As the Buddhist tradition puts it: the pain has not yet reached them, but you have already begun to harm yourself.

Anger, when held onto, is like gripping a burning coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned first.

A More Skillful Approach

It's important to note that the Buddhist approach to anger is not simply about white-knuckling it — forcing yourself to suppress what you feel. Suppression is neither healthy nor sustainable. Pretending we're not angry when we are doesn't solve anything; it just drives the emotion underground, where it tends to resurface later in more destructive ways.

What Buddhism offers is something more skillful: tools and practices that address the root of anger, not just its expression. Cultivating the recognition that all beings suffer — the practice of seeing dukkha in others — is one such tool. When it becomes a genuine insight rather than just an intellectual idea, it naturally softens the reactive patterns that lead to anger in the first place.

The Mahāprajñāpāramitāśāstra offers twenty-five such methods for working with anger and cultivating patience — each one a different angle, suited to different temperaments and situations. No single approach works for everyone, and part of the journey is discovering which practices resonate most deeply with you.

In future columns, I'll continue exploring these teachings on anger (krodha) and how we might, step by step, cultivate a steadier and more compassionate mind. The path isn't about becoming someone who never feels frustrated or hurt. It's about learning, over time, to meet those moments with a little more wisdom — and a little more grace.

 Luke Lin 3/23/2026